The Decision to Wait

When Rei started walking, friends and acquaintances started asking me when I was going to have another baby. I would jokingly avoid the topic, but in reality I really wasn't ready. I was terrified that I would get pregnant right away. It haunted my dreams (literally), and it made me really anxious. I researched about different ways to ease my worries, and finally I talked to Gian about getting birth control.

As a Filipino member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the topic of birth control is NOT something we openly talk about. I guess it comes from our Filipino culture. Birth control is often considered "wrong" which gives the idea that using it is morally unacceptable. And I felt that way for a while until I decided to take it to the Lord in prayer. 

Just to be clear, this is what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says about birth control: "Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple." If you want to read more about it, you can check the whole article here.

So after I sorted out my feelings and pleaded with the Lord for guidance, Gian and I both decided that being on birth control was the best option for us. I started Depo after that. I didn't experience any negative effects from it and I was able to rest my mind knowing that I wasn't going to get pregnant by accident. That freed my mind of the constant worry of thinking "what if" and it allowed me to focus my attention on my daughter and our family.

Having another baby was always part of our plan, we just didn't quite know when that was exactly. We always said that we'd do it when when Rei was "old enough" but that didn't really give us a specific timeline either. How old is "old enough" anyway? It could be when she's four or ten or even when she's 20, so we talked about it and decided that I would stop my Depo shots after two years of being on it.

Fast forward to 2020 and the coronavirus.

I know people will refer to baby#2 as a quarantine baby, and technically he/she is, but for the record... it was premeditated. You can even say that baby#2's conception was calculated, because it was. And even though it's rather challenging to be pregnant during these difficult times, we await the arrival of the newest member our family with joy and excitement.

Anyway, what is my point?

I am not advocating the use of birth control nor am I suggesting that you get pregnant during a pandemic. My message is actually quite simple. I want to tell mothers who might be feeling anxious about having another child that waiting is not a bad thing. Also, if you suspect that you might be suffering from postpartum depression, seek help. Taking care of yourself is important.

My decision to wait to have another baby taught me to be honest with myself and not allow people's expectations to make me feel guilty about my choice. I learned that it's okay to admit that I wasn't ready to have another baby then and that doesn't make me a bad mom. 

It's not selfish to make yourself a priority. Motherhood is not just about giving birth just because you can. It's about timing, it's about readiness, and it's about knowing what is best for you.

I waited to have another baby because I needed time. 

I needed the time to physically heal (and get enough sleep). 

I needed the time to make sense of my new role as a mother. 

I needed time to understand my child and myself. 

I needed time to get a piece of myself back. Because motherhood requires a lot and you can't give more than what you have. 

I waited because I needed it, and that decision saved my sanity.

The decision to wait or delay having another child is between you, your husband, and the Lord. Don't do it for selfish reasons. That's not right. Each child is a blessing and it's an honor to be given the opportunity to bring a child into the world. Your decision to have another baby or to wait is a sacred one, so you need to take it to the Lord and seek His guidance.

I can't say that everything was easy after making the decision to wait. There were moments when I wondered if it was really the right thing to do. I guess that comes with every big decision I make in life or just because, as a woman, I think too much about these things. So I read talks and searched Church manuals about what leaders taught about motherhood and here is one of my favorite quotes:

Reading this counsel from Pres. Hinckley brought so much comfort to me during that troubled time in my life. I knew that the Lord knew my feelings and my struggles. He had given me my agency and I had to use it to make the right decision for myself and my family.

So that's my message.

I'm sharing this because I know that someone out there might be struggling just like I did. I hope that my experience gives you some sort of comfort. Motherhood is a noble yet challenging role so we, mothers, should look out for each other. 

Take care of yourself. You are important.