Accepting Motherhood

I'll be honest. It took me a while to accept the reality that I'm going to be a mom. And when I say a while, I really mean a long while...like end-of-my-2nd-trimester-a-while. Hey, no judging! Of course I was happy when the pregnancy test came out positive, but I also had some feelings of uncertainty which was such a surprise because I've always been into "mothering." I've always been fond of kids and I love babysitting for friends back in college. I would even choose babysitting than go out on some Friday nights. That's how much I adore children, so it was quite unnatural that I didn't have this magical feeling when I found out that I was pregnant. I expected that I would feel something more.

As the weeks passed and the symptoms of pregnancy were getting harder to ignore, I realized that the reason why I somehow felt emotionally disconnected with the whole thing was because I still had a lot of selfishness in me. When I was babysitting for my friends, I only did it for a few hours. I still had my personal life to enjoy. But when I found out that I was pregnant, I somehow felt that I was being robbed of my freedom.

I was 28 yrs old when I got married which meant I was single for quite some time and I got used to the luxuries that go with it. I went out with friends, I traveled, I spent my money on the things I wanted and I had tons of fun. When I got married, it wasn't much of a sacrifice because Gian and I still got to enjoy the activities we liked when we were single, we just did it together. We're fond of going out and we especially enjoy trying different restaurants. We didn't worry about the bill because we had money for it. When I got pregnant though, it was different. One adjustment we had to make was financial restrictions. With a baby on the way, we had to be more conscious with our spending habits. Instead of splurging on food trips, we had to set aside our money for hospitalization and buying baby stuff. Another adjustment was the physical limitations. My body was no longer my own. I felt sick and tired and it was tough. I literally felt like an alien has invaded my body. These changes happened so quickly that I felt a bit resentful. It was not because I didn't want to have a baby, I was just overwhelmed by all of it.

So for weeks I just felt terrible and what added to my guilt was that I knew I shouldn't be feeling the way I did. Talking to Gian about my feelings really helped and we had long conversations about parenthood and the sacrifices that go with it. One time he asked, "Do you not want our baby?" That question really took me by surprise. Of course I want our baby! He knew that. But by asking me how I felt, he made me re-evaluate my feelings about my pregnancy. I thought about it a lot and I realized that motherhood is like any kind of relationship. It requires conscious effort for it to be successful. In my case, my baby is my partner and I knew that the only way to overcome my selfishness is by investing in my relationship with her.

The challenge for me was that "bonding" with my baby didn't come naturally. I would read/hear about moms singing to their unborn child and stuff like that, but those were things I didn't feel comfortable with. I guess because I couldn't see or hear any reaction so doing it just felt like talking to myself and it was weird. But I knew I was just making excuses and it wasn't helping me achieve my goal at all. So I did what any mature adult would do... I put all my awkwardness aside and I practiced.

I started with reading. At first I would only read children's books out loud when Gian was home because I felt better when he was there as an audience. After a few days of practice, I eventually got used to reading on my own. I did the same thing with having conversations with our baby. I started with Gian and I doing it together -like a panel discussion- and now I talk to our baby on my own and it doesn't feel as awkward as it used to be. The key was that I had to forget about how I felt and focus on what would be beneficial for my daughter. That was my first step to embracing motherhood.

As I ponder on the last couple of months, I realize that women experience motherhood in different ways. Some embrace it immediately and others don't. As for me, it was a process. It wasn't like a switch had turned on the moment I conceived. I had to work on it a little bit at a time until I was able to develop that mother-child connection. I first had to accept the changes that were happening in my life before I could fully appreciate the joy of expecting our first child. I also learned that getting pregnant or giving birth does not automatically make a woman a mother. To have a mother's heart means to understand who I am and to develop the qualities that will help me fulfill my divine role.

"Every girl and woman who makes and keeps sacred covenants can have a mother heart." -Julie B. Beck, April 2004, A "Mother Heart."