Surviving the First Year

I watched in fascination as my daughter grew and reached her milestones month after month. Rolling over, sitting up, crawling, and then standing on her own - these were reminders that my little baby is not so little anymore. But, these changes didn’t come as a surprise. I expected them to happen. In fact, I waited in anticipation for each one. I read articles online on what is expected each month and I encouraged and cheered her on as she developed one skill after another. What I didn’t expect were the changes in me. I didn’t realize that as Rei reach each of her milestones, I would also reach mine.

Let me give you an example.

When my daughter doubled and tripled her body weight, my capacity to feel also increased. I never knew I was capable of feeling so much as a mother. I have felt an array of emotions ranging from extreme happiness to nerve-racking fear in the last 12 months than I ever did in my entire life. How?

My heart learned what it’s like to experience pure joy when Rei squealed in delight after I gave her hugs and kisses. It’s the best sound I’ve ever heard. But aside from ecstatic joy, I’ve also learned how it feels to have mini heart attacks whenever she bumps her head on the crib railing or when she falls over while navigating around our tiny apartment. There was this one time when I froze in fear after she pulled the stand fan’s cable and the whole thing fell very close to her head. I thought I would die at that very moment. (I got rid of our stand fan that very same week.) Being a mom has made my heart do somersaults in unimaginable ways and just like the Grinch who stole Christmas, I think my heart have also grown twice as big.

So as I think of Rei’s milestones, I can’t help but also contemplate on my own breakthroughs as a mother. Here’s a few examples that come to mind.

• Rei sat up on her own at 6 months. At that time I have developed the skill of sleeping sitting down with a baby in my arms.
• My daughter’s first food was squash with breastmilk. As she started eating more, I perfected cooking Nilaga and Tinola, her favorites.
• When Rei learned how to crawl, I also mastered my stealth walk so she wouldn’t wake up while I cleaned around the house.
• She was about 7 months old when she started to independently put food in her mouth. By this time I can eat using one hand while I hold her on the other.
• Her first set of teeth came out when she was almost 8 months old. At this point, I can take a shower, get dressed, and brush my teeth in less than 20 mins.
• Rei took her first steps at 11 months and as she continuously learns to walk on her own, I also continuously amaze myself of the things I can do with very limited sleep.

My point is that even though taking care of a baby is hard (REALLY hard), it’s amazing how mothers can adapt with the demands of a growing child. It’s evolution at its finest. I have developed skills and attributes that I never thought was in me. Most especially, I have learned to be more forgiving. Forgiving of my own inadequacies and limitations. I’ve accepted the fact that I will never perfect motherhood, but I can always keep trying.

Although I am far from being ready to have another child, I am more confident entering the next phase of being a mom. I don’t really have a choice anyway. It’s not like Rei will wait for me to be ready. My daughter is growing and so must I. If there’s anything I learned this past year, it’s this: Survival happens a day at a time.