Heartbreaks Before Marriage
My sister married her first boyfriend. My brother also married his first girlfriend. I... did not. I had a few relationships before I finally got married. I've experienced the long-distance relationship, the two-week relationship, the no label relationship, and even the "almost relationship." And even though each relationship ended with feelings of disappointment and a fair share of tears (or not), I must say that they have taught me some of the greatest lessons about love and life.
I'm not saying that you need to get your heart broken before you can find your happily ever after. That is not true. Heartbreak is not a prerequisite to happiness and many relationships can prove that. What I'm saying is that MY experience with relationships and heartaches helped ME prepare and value my relationship with my husband. So, basically, this is just about MY experience.
What did heartbreaks teach me?
Even though breakups are not desirable, my experience of ending relationships taught me valuable lessons about love and life.
1. Heartbreaks taught me that I need to love myself first. A natural response to breakups is to question your worth as a person. I think that this is especially true with women. Breakups have made me feel unlovable and insignificant because it's kind of a rejection. Having gone through that kind of experience taught me that loving myself needs to be a priority. I have to make sure that I do not equate my value as a person to my dating status. Breakups do not mean you're undesirable.
2. While recovering from a particularly painful breakup, a friend told me that "sometimes you have to forget how you feel and focus on what you deserve." Though it was hard to do, what she said gave me a greater determination to move on. I learned that I need a balance between what I want and what I need.
3. Another lesson I learned from a previous relationship is that I can't do long distance. While other couples can sustain a relationship even when they are far away, I don't. I learn to love a person by having experiences together. I also get to show my feelings in ways that words alone cannot express. This is the reason why I would never want my husband or myself to go abroad alone. If the time comes that we need to go somewhere to seek for greener pastures, then we'll have to do it as a family. "Family means no one gets left behind."
4. Friends first before lovers. That's the ideal way of doing it. I once dated someone solely based on attraction and that relationship lasted for two weeks. We had nothing in common and so we had nothing to talk about. By the end of that two weeks, I knew I have done something really stupid. Now I understand the wisdom in the quote "marry your best friend." I'm glad that I was able to do it right with my husband. We really made an effort to get to know each other before dating. I asked him questions (even awkward ones) that I was too afraid to ask my previous boyfriends because I learned that if I'm going to invest in a relationship, it has to be with someone I can call my friend.
5. I think the hardest thing I have to learn in a relationship is to voluntarily open myself to someone after a heartbreak. It is such a scary experience. There is always the risk of getting hurt (again), but it is also one of the most humbling experiences in my life. I learned to trust myself and trust the person I was dating. By doing so, I learned that dating and relationships means taking a leap of faith.
My final thoughts...
Dating does not have to be a painful experience, but if you find yourself having to go through a tough breakup please remember that you will get through it. It may sound impossible when you're in such a dire situation, but you really will. I've been there and there's light at the end of the tunnel. And when your heart has healed and you're ready to love again, you'll be amazed at how tough you really are. Because heartbreaks are not meant to permanently break us... they are meant to make us stronger.
I'm not saying that you need to get your heart broken before you can find your happily ever after. That is not true. Heartbreak is not a prerequisite to happiness and many relationships can prove that. What I'm saying is that MY experience with relationships and heartaches helped ME prepare and value my relationship with my husband. So, basically, this is just about MY experience.
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| Our very first picture together. |
What did heartbreaks teach me?
Even though breakups are not desirable, my experience of ending relationships taught me valuable lessons about love and life.
1. Heartbreaks taught me that I need to love myself first. A natural response to breakups is to question your worth as a person. I think that this is especially true with women. Breakups have made me feel unlovable and insignificant because it's kind of a rejection. Having gone through that kind of experience taught me that loving myself needs to be a priority. I have to make sure that I do not equate my value as a person to my dating status. Breakups do not mean you're undesirable.
2. While recovering from a particularly painful breakup, a friend told me that "sometimes you have to forget how you feel and focus on what you deserve." Though it was hard to do, what she said gave me a greater determination to move on. I learned that I need a balance between what I want and what I need.
3. Another lesson I learned from a previous relationship is that I can't do long distance. While other couples can sustain a relationship even when they are far away, I don't. I learn to love a person by having experiences together. I also get to show my feelings in ways that words alone cannot express. This is the reason why I would never want my husband or myself to go abroad alone. If the time comes that we need to go somewhere to seek for greener pastures, then we'll have to do it as a family. "Family means no one gets left behind."
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| The day we "sealed the deal." |
4. Friends first before lovers. That's the ideal way of doing it. I once dated someone solely based on attraction and that relationship lasted for two weeks. We had nothing in common and so we had nothing to talk about. By the end of that two weeks, I knew I have done something really stupid. Now I understand the wisdom in the quote "marry your best friend." I'm glad that I was able to do it right with my husband. We really made an effort to get to know each other before dating. I asked him questions (even awkward ones) that I was too afraid to ask my previous boyfriends because I learned that if I'm going to invest in a relationship, it has to be with someone I can call my friend.
5. I think the hardest thing I have to learn in a relationship is to voluntarily open myself to someone after a heartbreak. It is such a scary experience. There is always the risk of getting hurt (again), but it is also one of the most humbling experiences in my life. I learned to trust myself and trust the person I was dating. By doing so, I learned that dating and relationships means taking a leap of faith.
My final thoughts...
Dating does not have to be a painful experience, but if you find yourself having to go through a tough breakup please remember that you will get through it. It may sound impossible when you're in such a dire situation, but you really will. I've been there and there's light at the end of the tunnel. And when your heart has healed and you're ready to love again, you'll be amazed at how tough you really are. Because heartbreaks are not meant to permanently break us... they are meant to make us stronger.
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| After three years of marriage... and a toddler. |
Wow������
ReplyDeleteVery well said.
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